There is no Mr Right

This is a conversation I've had on and off with a very old friend for some time. We are both in utter agreement on this point; Mr Right is a myth. He just doesn't exist. Utter fantasy.

Relationships that work are not made up of two people who are 'Right' for each other, who then magically cruise through life with nary a cloud of dissent or angst on the horizon. They are not made up of two people who read each other's minds and simply know what the other person means, without being told. They are not made up of two people who never say unintentionally insulting or stupid things to each other.

Relationships that work are made up of two human beings who say stupid things all the time. Human beings who are intrinsically selfish and need to work hard to consider the other person's point of view. Who come from different backgrounds with different expectations and different desires. Who on some days would really prefer a slave to a spouse, at least for short periods of time (I'd like a dishes slave...), and who both have really irritating habits (that might even have been endearing and attractive long ago).

What is absolutely necessary is TRUST and TRUSTWORTHINESS. Because this sort of relationship needs open, honest, vulnerable communication. Without trust, vulnerability cannot exist for long, and without vulnerability there is no true communication, and without true communication there is no intimacy, and without intimacy you are in big trouble.

COMMUNICATION is very very very important. Each person needs to be able to say what they would like to say, clarify the situation, ask what the other person means, let them know when feelings are hurt etc etc without fear of relationship armageddon. I've had to learn that when Merl asks what the problem is, or why I did something the way I did, that the question should be taken at face value. He is not accusing me of anything, he is not setting the framework for a big argument - he just wants to know what is going on in my head, and has no other way of finding out.

Communication does not ever stop, because people change all the time. Life changes, expectations change, experience changes us. The person I communicated with in our pre-married angsty phase is not the person I am now married to. And, thank goodness, marriage has changed me too.

The next thing is FORGIVENESS. We all screw up. When I'm a hose-beast with raging PMT I am very grateful that Merl is fully capable of rolling his eyes, not taking it personally and being instantly forgiving when I come to my senses and apologise for being a cow. (Incidentally, I am also getting better at not being a cow). Likewise, when he has a sore back or has had a bad day at work he can be snippy and short-tempered. Instead of taking it personally, it pays to give them the benefit of the doubt - after all, not everything in their life is about you! Not even your life is all about you.

So. Mr Right does not exist.

Instead, there's Mr and Mrs We Want This Enough to Both Work at Making it Work.

Not so catchy, I'll admit it, but most things in life are more complicated than your average bumper sticker.

Hmmm. This sounds a bit like a rant, and I guess it is. I have recently observed someone giving someone else bad ('your way or the highway' type) relationship advice. It made me sad and cross at the same time. If you both like each other enough to learn new skills and be patient with each other then you can have a beautiful thing. If on the other hand, you get to have tantrums and be irrational, but he has to be the world's best psychic and never put a foot wrong, then what you want is a fantasy - better stock up on your Mills and Boon because psychic lovers only exist in fiction. Read more...

The Marriage Course

Merl and I are currently attending The Marriage Course, which our church is running/facilitating.

When we first got married (7 years ago) we read the book associated with the course and found it extremely helpful. Lots of very very good advice about listening and communication and prioritising your marriage (like actually making it a priority to spend meaningful time together). Also good stuff about in-laws and love-languages and all that kind of stuff.

But 7 years is a long time ago, and although we have read the book, we don't own a copy, and our skills get rusty. So, despite having 'marriage night' written on our calendar each week and us both making the effort to keep that evening free from outside interruptions, we have not been making the effort to get off the computer or put our book down and actually talk to each other. Neither of us are big 'date' people - we are just as happy to sit home with a mug of hot chocolate - but we haven't really been doing that either... To be honest, we've even been using our 'marriage nights' as the evening to do our monthly budget spreadsheet! Now that is not fun and meaningful time :)

This course is the right thing at the right time for us. With our 2 small girls being such a big part of our family we really do need to make the time and effort to express to each other how much we love each other - otherwise we have just ended up communicating about nappies and dinner and laundry and returning library books and dishes and bills and all the other mundane things that make up our daily existence.

If you are married (or equivalent) I would highly recommend getting along to a course near you. It is run in heaps of countries over the world, and although it is delivered in a Christian context, the actual content of the course is just solid good common sense - applicable by anyone regardless of faith convictions. There is no group discussion time or anything dire like that - you and your partner go, get a candle-lit table for 2, some coffee and cake (supplied by the host church), watch a DVD, which is a recorded version of the live seminars held at Holy Trinity, Brompton, and whenever the DVD is paused for you to converse with your mate, the music is turned way up so you can hear each other, but not what anyone is saying at any other table. There is a workbook which is supplied and contains course notes and space for you to take notes and all that kind of stuff.

We had the 2nd session on Wednesday evening, and it's been great. Read more...

7 year anniversary

Merl and I have been married for 7 years today.

No sign of the 7 year itch :-)

He is a lovely, caring, warm and insightful soulmate who is currently putting Miss3 to bed, He 'helped' Miss 3 to cook dinner tonight, and let me have a much needed lie down this afternoon (I've caught the kids' back-to-kindy cold). And I've just noticed him head through to the kitchen and start soaking dishes.

Magnificent.

We plan to have a special home-cooked meal after the kids are in bed tomorrow evening to mark the occasion. Neither of us are big 'going out' people, so a yummy candle-lit dinner at home will be just the ticket. Read more...