mum update

We went and had our usual Sunday lunch catchup at my parents' house yesterday.

Mum is not doing so good. She's turned all yellow since I last saw her on Thursday. Makes sense since the most active bit of her cancer is in her liver, but it was still a shock. When the decline in her health is just gradual - a little more tired, a little more gaunt-looking - it's easy to pretend that we're going to just stay in this limbo place forever. That this is the new 'normal' and we can just adjust and carry on.

But of course that's not the case. Every week she's more tired than the week before. Every week there's a new problem to talk to the doctor about. Her pain is back, and she's back on morphine to deal with it. I asked her the other day if she would consider another round of chemo, just as a pain-relief option, and she finally let her shield down just a crack. Just enough to let her despair show through. She's only got a handful of options and they all suck - nothing is going to make her well.

I don't even know if I have the faith to pray for her healing. Intellectually I know that He can do it. I do actually know people who have experienced miraculous healing. But He doesn't heal everyone (don't ask me why - if I knew that I suspect I'd know all there is to know), and I'm not sure I could deal with the despair of my going out on a limb and then having my request denied.
Far easier to reconcile myself to the fact that we all die in body, and that everyone's got to die of something.

Which also feels like an enormous cop-out.

crappy crappy crappy. I know what's going on here. For those of you who aren't Christian this may seem weird, but I'm not actually in the midst of a crisis of faith. What's happening is that I'm gradually being drawn towards praying for my Mum's healing, and this part of the process is just about positioning the idea in my mind. I always do this - my first response to most suggestions (even of things that I want) is a knee-jerk 'NO'. But once I get used to the idea and consider all the ramifications I usually come around to it - so long as I haven't irrevocably burnt any bridges by then.

blimmin.

well that's enough rummaging around in my entrails for one day. time to go outside and get the chickweed out from around my veggies.